I ask because someone told me that kinks are in high demand on dating websites.

“[Do not believe that I would] chant for the Buckeyes at the direction of their lame mascot, Brutus.”

Huh? Is that really clever in some weird alternate universe where people understand something different by Buckeye’s than I do (some kind of organic object, like a seed)?

I’m certainly not one to reinforce gender stereotypes or anything, but why make sports references when you’re trying to attract women? I’m sure there are some women who go for that sort of thing, but in the aggregate you’re just going to turn the ladies off. Like me – I’m turned off. Sorry.

With the aid of some liquid fortification, I am ready to tackle the next screens in the Match.com profile process.

I hit the ground running with selecting “common interests that I would enjoy sharing with my dates.” I have a lot of interests – sometimes I think I have too many; my bookshelves certainly attest to the sheer weight of my varied interests as they are permanently bowed in the middle.

Sharing my “favorite things” is a little harder. It what sense do they mean “favorite”? With music, I go through periods where I really like one song and then a week later I won’t be able to stand the song anymore – I go through phases with regards to my favorite songs and artists at any given point.

Several “interest” screens down and I get to the lifestyle section. I feel virtuous in being able to honestly state that I exercise 3-4 times a week, but it’s less impressive than it could be, as my exercise consists of a half hour to forty-five minute walk multiple times throughout the week. It keeps me from becoming sedentary, basically.

One really important question that is in lifestyle is “Do you want children?” I think that the fact that I do not want children is a significant detriment to my ability to get into a permanent relationship. My friends find it incredible that I don’t want kids, as I quite like them individually and I enjoy playing with them and stuff when I’m at a party and the are there. I could probably write a novel about why I don’t want children, but it’s been a deal breaker in past relationships so I am going to put what I honestly feel here instead of what I think would result in the most positive response.

Next is background/values, which includes languages spoken, education, politics, ethnicity, and religion. As I’ve stated previously, I feel that my atheism should be an asset in the sense that it seems to be that the number of self identifying male atheists on online dating sites is significantly greater than the number of self identifying female atheists.

Okay, I’m starting to breeze through this stuff now – it’s gotten a lot easier. Doing the “about my date” category – I’ve decided to be pretty anything goes about what I list here, accept that I would like to date someone who is a non-smoker and who doesn’t want children, at least right away anyway. I’m willing to compromise.

Suddenly, I hit something that I was not prepared for… “In My Own Words.” “Describe yourself and your ideal match.” Crap… I need to think about this.

Leonard Cohen – A Thousand Kisses Deep – Spoken Word Version

Video here.

Best stanza:

I’m turning tricks
I’m getting fixed
I’m back on boogie street
I’d like to quit the business
But I’m in it, so to speak
The thought of you is peaceful
And the file on you complete
Except what I forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep

Algernon Swinburne – Dolores

Text here.

Best stanza:

Hast thou told all thy secrets the last time,
And bared all thy beauties to one?
Ah, where shall we go then for pastime,
If the worst that can be has been done?
But sweet as the rind was the core is;
We are fain of thee still, we are fain,
O sanguine and subtle Dolores,
Our Lady of Pain.

Algernon Swinburne – A Match

Text here.

Best stanza:

If you were queen of pleasure,

And I were king of pain,

We’d hunt down love together,

Pluck out his flying-feather,

And teach his feet a measure,

And find his mouth a rein;

If you were queen of pleasure,

And I were king of pain.

Anyway, let’s get started!

Match.com First Profile Page

Okay, feeling good. I can answer all of these questions. Next!

Match.com 2nd Profile Page

Okay! Wait… why is it asking where I grew up? Is that important? And my sign… do I got with not answering or say I don’t believe in astrology? It’s a question of trying to appear to more people versus being ideologically consistent. I guess I don’t really want to date a guy who’s really into astrology, so I should be honest up front.

Match.com 3rd Profile Page

How come they don’t have “fat ass” under body type? Still, I’m getting through this… getting a little tired though. What’s on TV… no! I’m going to get this done.

Match.com 4th Profile Page

Uh… what sports do I enjoy? I don’t know… is DDR a sport? I can’t… do this anymore. I’ve got to bail. I’m bailing. I’ve got an emergency get out of online dating card and I’m using it.

Okay, so today not so good. I’ll get back on the horse tomorrow. Isn’t the Office on right now?

Tomorrow I’ve got my weekly roleplaying game session, so that’s not going to be a good day either. I’m thinking Thursday for the Match.com profile piece. It’s going to be worth the wait, I hope.

What kind of guy will Match.com suggest for me?

Duh duh duh!